I have no idea how long it has been since I’ve logged into Tumblr via website but holy shit does everything look different! I was so used to getting on the app on my iPad (barely), that I didn’t think to use the web. When did this change?! Damn. I remember there was a time where I was literally glued to my laptop and would just scroll endlessly on this site. I don’t like that it looks like Twitter… but I suppose I’ll adjust, now that I think I’ll be logging in more frequently.
Truthfully, I find myself very bored these days with the social media that is currently popular. Maybe I’m just growing out of it, or maybe I just need a refresh. Idk.
For a moment there I really thought that what I’ve been wanting is to be with someone, fall in love & build a life together. But I realized that what I actually want is to love myself & feel secure in my solitude.
I already feel like I’m making progress, & it makes me really happy.
^^^ wow I can’t believe I wrote that two years ago! It’s funny because a lot has changed since then and now I can honestly say that I feel super comfortable in my solitude and I learned to love myself. I still struggle every now and then with that, but for the most part, I’m in a different and better space. And it’s funny because back then I thought I didn’t have anyone to share my life with, or rather, I would never find someone… But now it’s kind of like I have a lot of people who I could potentially share my life with if I wanted to. But that’s the thing — I don’t feel the need to share it with anyone anymore because I’m comfortable by myself.
Wow it’s been forever since I last wrote something or even just come on here to browse stuff. Maybe I should start again…. When I’m not feeling any other type of social media ya know. Anywhozies it’s funny because I was literally talking about tumblr with my coworker and how we used to be obsessed with this lol.
Dang can’t believe I forgot about this place. Lowkey miss this side of the internet.
I’ve never been the type to deactivate my socials but today I got a random urge to do it. We’ll see. I use TikTok literally all day every day and still get on Twitter from time to time. I could def deactivate IG because I literally never go on there unless it’s to respond to a DM.
Last night I had really great sex & it made me so happy because it was with someone I hadn’t seen in months, someone I trust enough, & someone I always have great chemistry with. It was exactly what I needed after the week I’d been having! I love sex, but lately I had been going back & forth on whether to stop for a while or just stick to Michael, or… idk I was just all over the place & over thinking everything again. But that’s why last night helped me to just let go of everything.
Now I don’t think I would ever be able to go more than two weeks without it 😂 the only difference between now & last year/a few months ago is that I was having a lot of one night stands without getting to know the person, but now I don’t have the urge to do that anymore… because it literally does nothing for me. I slept with so many people throughout the course of one year & it really helped me explore my sexuality. I now know what I like, what I don’t, how to be more aggressive, how to let go of my insecurities & be in the moment, & how to really connect on a physical level without getting attached (to a degree). I’ve had horrible experiences, too, which looking back on I don’t regret at all! Everything that I’ve gone through has really helped me grow & learn… especially the fiasco with contracting chlamydia & gonorrhea.
I hate that I’m in a weird place again. I’ve been hooking up with this guy since late May and at first I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if he was just going to be a one-time thing, but it ended up not being the case. In the beginning I thought it wasn’t going to last long because of the way I felt he was acting towards me. I basically felt like he was uninterested because he wouldn’t make any moves on me when I’d go over… which was weird because he’d be the one to invite me. He also never initiated doing anything further than oral. So for a while all our hookups consisted of me just giving him head. Hence why I thought he just wasn’t interested in having sex. So after we would hook up I would never text him or try to strike up a conversation. But! he would always reach out to me, which I thought was weird too because I didn’t know what to think of it. I didn’t know if he just wanted to hook up & I was a last resort — but then again, he would text me randomly throughout the day and we would have normal conversations not revolving around sex. I know, confusing. So we continued our little fling… but now it’s gone on for so long that it feels like we’re friends at this point. But not “real friends” because we’ve actually never hung out outside of us hooking up! And now I find myself wanting more from him, from our thing. I want to ask him what he wants out of this, like in the long run… but I also don’t wanna make things weird if we’re not on the same page.
I’ve already gone through a similar situation like this before, where I liked someone but couldn’t bring myself to tell him. So I suffered in silence. I mean obviously I got through it, but I just don’t wanna spend more time doing shit like that. I’m not getting any younger & I would like to have a family eventually…
I’m not saying I want to necessarily have a family with this guy, but I’m saying I don’t want to just keep hooking up & wondering if this could lead to something more… but like never actually doing anything to find out if there’s something there to pursue. You know what I mean? Like, I just don’t want to waste my time especially if my person is somewhere else out there… & I’m over here not knowing what’s the situation with this guy lol.
But I also don’t want to just keep meeting ppl & having mindless hookups in the hopes of “finding the one” by chance/luck. It was fun in the beginning because sex is fun… but now I’m just bored of it lol. Like I said, I want something more! But I can’t move forward if I don’t know where I stand with this guy.
We ended up having a conversation about our situation — I basically asked “what are we?”LOL and he confirmed that we are just friends with benefits. So that’s fine I guess but it’s not exactly what I wanted to hear.
That conversation happened a few days ago and last night we had another conversation where shit hit the fan. I was probably overreacting to stuff and it just made things so much more complicated than they needed to be but also he wasn’t making it any better. We spent four hours arguing and going back-and-forth over the dumbest things. But in the end I realized that I have been wanting him to be someone that he isn’t…. so it’s best for me to just walk away.
I hung out with him this past Sunday (we didn’t talk much about the previous conversations even though that was my reason for going over)— we ended up just hanging out & eventually having sex.
The next day I told him I thought it was best to end things because we weren’t on the same page (me liking him) & he was nice bout it (I guess), saying “I’m here if you wanna talk”… however, I didn’t like that response lol so I got all emotional again but I didn’t go off on him or anything; I was just being cold by being short with my responses. Later on that night I ended up texting him again & basically saying “oh nvm jk we can still hook up if you want, no biggie” & also acknowledged the fact that I look like a psycho & understood if he didn’t want to anymore lmao. He responded with “okay I’ll let you know” 🥴
I thought I was over it…. but all I’ve been thinking about is when is the next time he’s going to text me!?!?! Lmao 🤦🏻♀️ It’s not even that I wanna have sex with him…. I just realized I like his company at the end of the day. But now I feel like I messed things up by creating all this extra drama ugh
I hate that I’m in a weird place again. I’ve been hooking up with this guy since late May and at first I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if he was just going to be a one-time thing, but it ended up not being the case. In the beginning I thought it wasn’t going to last long because of the way I felt he was acting towards me. I basically felt like he was uninterested because he wouldn’t make any moves on me when I’d go over… which was weird because he’d be the one to invite me. He also never initiated doing anything further than oral. So for a while all our hookups consisted of me just giving him head. Hence why I thought he just wasn’t interested in having sex. So after we would hook up I would never text him or try to strike up a conversation. But! he would always reach out to me, which I thought was weird too because I didn’t know what to think of it. I didn’t know if he just wanted to hook up & I was a last resort — but then again, he would text me randomly throughout the day and we would have normal conversations not revolving around sex. I know, confusing. So we continued our little fling… but now it’s gone on for so long that it feels like we’re friends at this point. But not “real friends” because we’ve actually never hung out outside of us hooking up! And now I find myself wanting more from him, from our thing. I want to ask him what he wants out of this, like in the long run… but I also don’t wanna make things weird if we’re not on the same page.
I’ve already gone through a similar situation like this before, where I liked someone but couldn’t bring myself to tell him. So I suffered in silence. I mean obviously I got through it, but I just don’t wanna spend more time doing shit like that. I’m not getting any younger & I would like to have a family eventually…
I’m not saying I want to necessarily have a family with this guy, but I’m saying I don’t want to just keep hooking up & wondering if this could lead to something more… but like never actually doing anything to find out if there’s something there to pursue. You know what I mean? Like, I just don’t want to waste my time especially if my person is somewhere else out there… & I’m over here not knowing what’s the situation with this guy lol.
But I also don’t want to just keep meeting ppl & having mindless hookups in the hopes of “finding the one” by chance/luck. It was fun in the beginning because sex is fun… but now I’m just bored of it lol. Like I said, I want something more! But I can’t move forward if I don’t know where I stand with this guy.
We ended up having a conversation about our situation — I basically asked “what are we?”LOL and he confirmed that we are just friends with benefits. So that’s fine I guess but it’s not exactly what I wanted to hear.
That conversation happened a few days ago and last night we had another conversation where shit hit the fan. I was probably overreacting to stuff and it just made things so much more complicated than they needed to be but also he wasn’t making it any better. We spent four hours arguing and going back-and-forth over the dumbest things. But in the end I realized that I have been wanting him to be someone that he isn’t…. so it’s best for me to just walk away.
I think it’s crazy how I’m not at all attracted to Latino men. Like it’s rare if I think someone is cute… but then I have no interest in hooking up with them or dating them or whatever.
I hate that I’m in a weird place again. I’ve been hooking up with this guy since late May and at first I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if he was just going to be a one-time thing, but it ended up not being the case. In the beginning I thought it wasn’t going to last long because of the way I felt he was acting towards me. I basically felt like he was uninterested because he wouldn’t make any moves on me when I’d go over… which was weird because he’d be the one to invite me. He also never initiated doing anything further than oral. So for a while all our hookups consisted of me just giving him head. Hence why I thought he just wasn’t interested in having sex. So after we would hook up I would never text him or try to strike up a conversation. But! he would always reach out to me, which I thought was weird too because I didn’t know what to think of it. I didn’t know if he just wanted to hook up & I was a last resort — but then again, he would text me randomly throughout the day and we would have normal conversations not revolving around sex. I know, confusing. So we continued our little fling… but now it’s gone on for so long that it feels like we’re friends at this point. But not “real friends” because we’ve actually never hung out outside of us hooking up! And now I find myself wanting more from him, from our thing. I want to ask him what he wants out of this, like in the long run… but I also don’t wanna make things weird if we’re not on the same page.
I’ve already gone through a similar situation like this before, where I liked someone but couldn’t bring myself to tell him. So I suffered in silence. I mean obviously I got through it, but I just don’t wanna spend more time doing shit like that. I’m not getting any younger & I would like to have a family eventually…
I’m not saying I want to necessarily have a family with this guy, but I’m saying I don’t want to just keep hooking up & wondering if this could lead to something more… but like never actually doing anything to find out if there’s something there to pursue. You know what I mean? Like, I just don’t want to waste my time especially if my person is somewhere else out there… & I’m over here not knowing what’s the situation with this guy lol.
But I also don’t want to just keep meeting ppl & having mindless hookups in the hopes of “finding the one” by chance/luck. It was fun in the beginning because sex is fun… but now I’m just bored of it lol. Like I said, I want something more! But I can’t move forward if I don’t know where I stand with this guy.
It’s been a minute since I last updated on here & that’s just because I’ve been using my planner to track everything & I’m still using my notes app for weigh-ins.
I started a 7-day fast last Sunday @ 1:30am because I had a cheat day on Saturday… so yeah my last snack was in the middle of the night haha. I’m wrapping up day 7 now, but I decided to shoot for 10 days! So really, this will end on Wednesday the 7th 👍🏼 So far I’ve been drinking water (obvi), coffee, & tea; & I’ve been chewing gum 😅 But starting tomorrow I’m going to drink bone broth! I’ve also been working out EVERY DAY since I started the fast, which I’m proud of myself for 💪🏼 Oh yeah, I started at 173.8!!! But it was understandable because I totally ate non-keto stuff on Saturday, not to mention the days leading up to it were defintely calorie-densed! As of this morning I’m at 158.2, which is not bad for it being <7 days!
I’m hoping that by the end of this fast I’ll be in the low 150s & then maintain that weight with a 3-day egg fast. My goal for the rest of the month is to do the March madness challenges again & really try to stick to my deficit! I also wanna throw in ADF in the mix — I did it for a week towards the end of September, but then got lazy & started overeating again 🙄
